I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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