no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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