Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just cropdusted the office
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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