Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize