Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
