Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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