my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
