Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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