Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
