My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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