I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
