he wants to bone in the snuggie
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
