Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
