She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
