I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
