She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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