he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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