i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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