Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
