I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Found your dick twin last night
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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