I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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