I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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