I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize