I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
These tits shall not be calmed
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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