i was born a porn star she said
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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