I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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