Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize