god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
