Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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