If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
