My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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