i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
