It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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