EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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