Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
