i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize