he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
