he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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