Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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