God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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