Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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