Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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