I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
