My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
