seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
