and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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