drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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