dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
