i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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