why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
