Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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