i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
