Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
