He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
