i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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