I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
