Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
