well I can't set my house on fire every night
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
