So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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