We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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