Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize