Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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