He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
