I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
