I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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